Serge thank you for your reply.
I do need to express myself to you.
My feelings were spontaneous; very strong and very real for me. I don’t blame you at all. You have to do your work, to make a living.
It is strange but I don’t have to work to pay the bills. But life is an impoverished hell on earth for me. You didn’t make it that way.
I feel my own life has no work to do. I have no motivation to live and that is a hopeless feeling for me; a real problem.
Your videos and slide shows were beautiful and I wish I could be there in them, but I am not. And to me I am saying farewell to life.
In your absence I will continue to send you short emails to let you know I am still here.
I have been a “prisoner” to my hellish thoughts for too long and all my efforts can not show me a quiet way out. Denise, my wife, could have stayed with me, but didn’t.
Emails like this one are uncharacteristic; they are the “to be or not to be” dialogs to oneself. Hamlet and the Book of Job were the two questions on my high school leaving exams for which I scored 100 percent.
I was sad and angry at the age of four, and basically all my life; I could see so much evil around us.
I worked ‘focused to mould’ out a better life for those around me and my awareness of humanity. You have recognized that character in me and for that I am most grateful to you.
For the past two years the questions have been the central issues of my life. I am angry Serge, but not with you.
Every little thing disturbs me now, Serge, but not you nor Victor.
All I ask of you now is to keep throwing me a “stroke,” a biscuit if you will.
From: Serge Holoduke
Sent: Wednesday, January 26, 2011 12:20 PM
To: Don Wesley
Subject: Re: I viewed all your videos on your web site
I have just stopped for lunch and felt that I MUST reply to your uncharacteristic email.
You said you could only tell the truth so I shall continue in that vein. I need to take advantage of the opportunities that are afforded me therefore when there is work and there are deadlines I'm a sort of "dam the torpedos, full speed ahead" kind of person. And yes sometimes people must take a MOMENTARY pause in my life.
I'm sorry you feel as you do and yet I am offended that you do feel that way.
None of my work says farewell. Even the farewells are not farewells. My work is about hope and optimism, of faith and loyalty and of love. I capture moments. They are only brief moments. They are NOT farewells by any means.
You know me well enough to know that NO cruelty was meant or intended.
There are going to be times when I may go silent for a day or two. It doesn't mean that anyone including Stinger is forgotten.
So your feelings and comments are without foundation. If that's how you felt then it is because you conjured up those feelings.
But enough said...
I must now feed this face and get back to the task at hand.
On 2011-01-26, at 8:54 AM, Don Wesley wrote:
Your videos touched me deeply Serge. I could not leave them. They were farewells. They left me sad and then you told me I would get reduced visits.
I felt cruelty! I felt polarization. I feel worthless. I am not surprised however. On a level with Stinger.
I can only tell you the truth Serge.